Do you ever get tired of hearing your own voice? I do. Sometimes I feel slightly discouraged by the challenge of ministry which requires us to keep repeating.

One of my wise youth ministry friends, always teaches on how as youth workers… we need to be like monkeys beating the cymbals over and over again with our message.

Well, I am certain that my message is to keep reminding the girls, the church and the world that girls matter. And people may get tired of hearing me or tell me to stop talking about it…but I can’t. I believe it so deeply. Girls matter. They matter to the story of Jesus, they matter to the redemptive work of Jesus in the world now…they matter. They are important. So, even when I get tired…and discouraged…I press forward. Because girls matter.

What’s your message? What message can you not stop talking about?

Our words matter. I think sometimes I forget how powerful my words can be…not just in the negative way but also in positive ways. Our words of affirmation bring life and power to those around us. (Just as our words can take life and power from those around us!)

Who needs our words:

Our girls: I can guarantee that everyday a girl feels unsure and insecure. Our words can counter those feelings. They don’t need to be presented in a long winded way or in a creative matter…just as long as they are said. Take a minute and send an email or facebook message to a girl in your life telling her how she matters to you, God and the world.

Our leaders: You don’t ever grow out of the need for affirmation. Many of our leaders serve because they love Jesus and your church…not because of a “calling” to youth ministry. Their service is a gift to us and to our ministries. I am reminded that sometimes leaders feel insecure and that they doubt their role in ministry. Our words can communicate their value to us and to our ministries. Is their a leader in your life that needs to hear how much you appreciate them?? Send them a text or call them…let them know!

Our parents: I am not a parent of a teenager but let me tell you how I feel when someone compliments my kiddos…I feel a sense of reward and reassurance. Parenthood is hard work…parenting teenagers can be especially hard. A word of affirmation can be like a breath of fresh air in a hard season of parenting. Think of student that encourages or inspires you…now let their parent know what amazing kid they have and how much you appreciate their family. (This one will probably bless you too!)

Don’t be slow with words that can bring life to others. Be a person who encourages and challenges others by affirming the good in others!

Who else needs our words?

I am back from 2 weeks in Kenya with a student team! And I am finally starting to feel human again. I am not sure I could fully communicate what the trip was like for me. It was exhausting, inspiring, challenging, gut-wrenching, fun, etc…

I am sure I’ll be writing more over the next few weeks but here are a few highlights for me:

 We took a team of 9 students – 6 of which were girls! These girls were amazing- what we asked of these students was tough and they rose to the challenge. There was no drama…which is amazing for 12 days in Africa with 6 girls (plus leaders)! I bought each girl a little journal and each day I wrote a note in it about what I saw in them that day…they made that job super easy! Love them deeply…world changers!!

We visited Dr.Ken Gerdes Girl’s High School one day…and I had my world rocked. We watched 55 girls, who have come from some of the poorest homes in Kenya many of these girls were orphaned,  present poetry. One girl shared a powerful poem about how society and culture try to keep girls from ever achieving and she spoke of the power of education in her life. At which point, I burst into the ugly cry…and I left the room, so has to not alarm or scare anyone…because it’s that ugly! Anyway, it was powerful to watch girls get a chance to make something of there life with the help of this school and Jesus. For me, I thought of the power for those girls…and for the girls that at I work with everyday right here in Seattle. God has gifted every person for a purpose and society is lying about their potential to change the world…God can win in us when we embrace his call and his potential for us. I am sure you will hear about those girls again!

This last picture is of Margaret.  I girl we met on the streets of Kisumu. She was living there after giving her birth to her child 2 months prior. She wanted help. Unfortunately, there was nothing for girls in Kisumu. So, we did the best we could and got her in a juvenile detention center. We visited her there a few days. And what was surprising to find is that several of the girls in there – weren’t in there because they were in trouble but because they needed help getting back to to their homes. On the streets these girls become victims to trafficking – Margaret had an older boy on the streets who called himself her husband. The streets are not safe for kids, especially for girls. So, because there is nothing for them…we turned to the detention center. Agape Children Ministries which runs a program for boys in Kisumu is working to help get Margaret back home with her sister…So I am thankful for their willingness to step up. Margaret will stay with me for a long time.

Well, those were the highlights! Thanks to all my guest bloggers- You were awesome!!!

Being in youth ministry for the past 14 years, two realities come to mind.  There is an awesome potential for doing youth ministry with young ladies.  The other one is ensuring the way you relate to them as God intended for you to relate to them.  One of the biggest ways to violate the sacred trust us youth workers have in working with teens is to misplace our admiration for infatuation.  I don’t need to cite stats or give links to news stories depicting how these relationships do go wrong, we’ve all heard the nightmares.

Brad and I included Three Responsibilities Regarding Physical Touch in our new book “99 Thoughts on Caring for Your Group”  with the hopes that we all would be able to relate to all of our students in a healthy manner.

3 Responsibilities Regarding Physical Touch

Students are desperate for positive demonstrations of love and affirmation, which can include healthy physical touch. This need has become even more heightened as technology redefines relationships as existing in cyberspace as opposed to real space. Yet both wisdom and organizational rules tell us to be careful for fear of misinterpretation and even litigation. What are we to do?

Recognize the importance of positive touch.

Human-to-human touch is critical for healthy development. One study stated that people need up to eight meaningful touches per day to feel attached to and embraced by their community. Positive touch—with or without any accompanying words—can affirm the worth and value of an individual. Jesus understood the value of and modeled the use of touch during his earthly ministry. Be wise in your use of touch, but don’t let fear drive you to duct-tape your hands by your side. If your church or organization has a policy in place, follow it. If you’re heading off with your group to a camp or another location, check to see if it has different policies to which you’ll be held accountable. This principle also applies when going to detention and residential treatment facilities that may even forbid you from touching the person you’re visiting. You may not agree with these policies, but you must honor them.

Know that touch can be misinterpreted

Touch is best used if you already have an established relationship with people who trust you. Live above reproach, modeling a life transformed by Christ. Discuss with parents, students, and church leaders what you see as the value of and need for positive touch so they know it’s a part of your ministry vocabulary. Create a culture of consistency so people know what to expect and so your interaction doesn’t come across as awkward or out of place. High fives, fist bumps, and handshakes can serve the purpose of affirmation and acceptance and may be more appropriate. Be consistent with adults and students, as well as with both genders and all age groups, so you’re not seen as being drawn to specific individuals or groups. Always be aware of your context: Comforting someone by hugging at a funeral is different from the same hug at a pool party or in your office, and significantly different from hugging in some dark corner of your church.

Make sure your own needs are being met first.

Your physical interactions with others are more likely to become inappropriate if your personal needs are not being met in healthy ways. Develop close, intimate relationships with people your own age so you don’t need students to provide this for you—and remember, relationships with other adults can be intimate without being sexual. Constantly check your thought and emotional life to spot any problems that may be arising. If anything does, seek help and accountability immediately.  If it continues, disqualify yourself from student ministry before you and any students are permanently impacted by inappropriate choices.

About Matt Murphy

Matt Murphy is a 14-year veteran of youth ministry across multiple contexts. He is married to his wonderful wife Darcy. He combines his background in clinical social work, education at Denver Seminary with his passion for helping hurting teens and youth workers. You can find more about him on his blog at EngagingTheShadowsofYouthMinistry.com, on Facebook, or Twitter at @mattmurphymswym.

I hate watching one of “my girls” fall.  You know the ones:  I’ve poured into them for years.  I’ve watched them grow.  I’ve watched them struggle.  I’ve watched them seek.  And now I’m watching them make MAJOR mistakes – the ones we’ve talked about, the ones I’ve warned them about, the ones I’ve made.

I was one of “those girls.”  I loved Jesus.  I was on the youth group leadership team.  I went on short-term missions trips.  I made major mistakes and turned my back on God for a long time.  I was angry at the church.  I was angry at God.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I still sought fulfillment elsewhere.  I know how bad it hurts and I think that’s why I have such a hard time watching “my girls” go through it.  It is also why I am so passionate about girls’ ministry.

So what’s a youth leader to do?

1. Pray, pray, pray! Only God can work on their soul.  Pray for God moments that they can’t turn from. Pray for Godly people to invade their lives.  Pray for protection.  Pray for a soft and repentant heart.
2. Still call. I know it’s hard to connect with teens that have turned their back on God or the church, but the phone calls, texts, Facebook messages go a long way.  When I disappeared from church I had one, yes one person – the youth pastor’s wife – call and check in on me.  She had me over for coffee while her daughter napped and it left a huge impact on my life.  I’m sure at the time she thought it did nothing, but it meant the world to me. (I was able to connect with her recently and thank her!)
3. Keep an open door and an open dialog. Keep the doors open for them to come over and chat. Listen, really listen to what they are saying.  You don’t have to have the answers, just a safe place to talk.  Don’t condone their behavior, but don’t lecture them either (they know what they’re doing is wrong).  Ask open questions and let them come around on their own.  Ask them if they’re happy and where they see their life going.  I spent many an hour on a youth volunteer’s porch swing at odd hours talking about what was going on.  I couldn’t lie to her and she helped me work through many of my thoughts and challenges.
4. Keep connected online.  Even though we don’t often talk, I pray for them when I see status updates.  I hope they’re touched by things I post.  And a quick note on Facebook can lead to a new connection.  I love random chat requests with girls I haven’t talked with in years.  I also love seeing the good changes in their lives (and of course hate seeing the bad, but I know better how to pray).  One of my girls disappeared for awhile and a quick invite on Facebook lead to her return to church, many conversations in the car, and a renewed faith before she left for college.
5. Keep hope.  It took me years to turn my life back over to God, but the people that poured into me when I was a teen made a huge impact on my life.  Their lives and their ministry resonate through my life today.  And with the blessing of technology, there’s a good chance you will hear from them again.
6. Keep pouring into more girls.  You are touching more lives than you’ll ever know.  Keep doing what you do and loving the girls in your ministry.

I May Be Small, but My God is HUGE!

This coming weekend, a group of our church’s young women are collecting prom dresses to go to students who can’t afford to buy them on their own.  Even students who didn’t have a dress to donate wanted to get involved; so, this Sunday, I get the joy of accompanying a group of high schoolers and young adults on a shopping trip where we’ll put all our money together and find “the perfect dress” not for one of us, but for someone we don’t even know.

A few weeks ago, one of the high school seniors at my church organized a Bald-4-Bucks campaign at her school.  Through her efforts she was able to get 25 students and staff at her high school to join her in shaving their heads to raise money and awareness for Roswell Park Cancer Institute here in Buffalo.  She saw a need and had the desire to do something about it, even if it meant sacrificing her beautiful long hair.  When encouraged and supported by her friends and the school staff, amazing things happened and lives will be changed because of the $15,000 they raised.

Over and over again in my job, I find myself amazed at what young women are capable of doing with a little encouragement and support.  I shouldn’t be surprised, because I’ve seen it true in my life when older women believed in me.

Like when I was in college working as a Residence Hall Coordinator.  As I interacted with the resident assistants and residents I led and served, the stories I heard day after day were filled with pain, hurt, and rejection.  Abuse, self-injury, eating disorders, and more were more common among the girls at my university than even I wanted to believe. The more I saw this, the angrier I got and the more I realized: I had to do something.

I started talking with some friends and a mentor I had at the time and before we knew it, Unfading Beauty, an group for women on our campus, was born.  The task before us seemed daunting; yet, by the next semester we had events, Bible Studies, worship nights, and more planned for the students and faculty—one for each week of the semester.  Three years later, by God’s grace alone, Unfading Beauty and its mission remain alive and active on the campus:

“Unfading Beauty is dedicated to helping the women of Concordia combat the world’s distorted definition of beauty in order that they may find freedom, identity, and wholeness in the truth of Christ. We also pray that they would express their God-given desire to be beautiful in healthy ways which in turn will impact the lives of others.”

All of this happened because a few friends and a mentor encouraged me to not let this passion fade.  They could have easily said, “But Bekah, it’s such a big problem, how could we every do anything?”  But instead, they joined me in the cause and reminded me that with God, all things are possible.  When I graduated two years ago, I had no doubt that Unfading Beauty would continue to impact lives because God was the powerful force behind it.  Now, I get to be the one encouraging and supporting the current leaders, as well as the young women in my congregation, to keep on making a difference.

Who are you encouraging today?  Are your words speaking life into others?  You might find yourself amazed again and again at what God can do through you and those you are encouraging!

“When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.” Ephesians 4:29 (NCV)

Surrender: “to relinquish possession or control of to another…to yield…to give oneself up/over…to give up completely…”

The biggest lesson in life and in my walk with God that I, as a girl, have learned is the concept of surrender to God, and the satisfaction that comes in that. If we, as leaders to young girls, can get the message across that Jesus alone satisfies, I believe hearts will be changed and lives will be surrendered to Christ. So I share some of my heart on this with you today:

When I come to a place of true surrender, this is when I feel the closest to God and the furthest from the things of this world that seek to destroy, distract, and distance me from Him.

I’ve heard it over and over again, that I am to surrender myself to Him daily. But surrender does not come naturally and sometimes it takes a while before I realize how long it’s been since I’ve been on my knees…in totally, complete surrender to God and the plans He has for my life.

We live in a culture that easily distracts us. I am pretty good at distracting myself. Eventually though, I realize how empty the distractions make me. Well….what now? What satisfies me? What I have learned to be absolutely true is that nothing on this earth can satisfy me.… not even the best things in life like fulfilling friendships and a loving family have this ability. They bring joy, comfort, and blessing, yes, but they do not have the ability to satisfy my soul.

Only One does….and I’ve had to learn this truth over and over and over again in my life. Jesus alone satisfies. He ALONE gives “living water” to my thirsty soul. In the story where Jesus is speaking with the woman at the well, Jesus says to her: “Those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” (John 4:14). This verse is SO comforting to me. To never be thirsty again? Jesus is telling her, all you need is me! I will quench your thirst, but not only will I quench it, you will actually NEVER be thirsty again. I will satisfy your soul in this moment and in the moment after, again and again. But, see the thing I continue to learn is that I must come to Him for this water. He gives it freely but I must accept it, must drink it up not only daily but moment by moment. It’s easy to become weary in life. Anxiety and worry and ungratefulness become my default. But the thing is…when I’m allowing Jesus to fill me up, when I’m soaking in the Living Water He alone offers, then anxiousness, selfishness, sin…it’s all washed away. And I’m totally satisfied in His beautiful presence… ready to be His hands and feet in this world.

As a youth leader to teenage girls, I want to help them understand that JESUS REALLY DOES SATISFY our hearts and our every longing! He knows us intricately and he longs for us to come to Him. As girls and women, we can easily fall into the trap of looking for satisfaction in all of the wrong things, places, and people. But if we can cling to Jesus, and help the girls we’re ministering to do the same, we will help them avoid so much heartache and we will help them see that their relationship with Jesus is the most important one of all.

“When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.” ~ Psalm 145:16

So my prayer today is this…”Satisfy us (me) each morning with your unfailing love, so we (I) may sing for joy to the end of our (my) life.” ~Psalm 90:14

Amanda Birnie loves working with teen girls and has been doing so for the past 6 years. She is married to a youth pastor and they currently live in White Rock, British Columbia, Canada where she serves on the youth leadership team. She is passionate about helping teen girls reach their God-given potential in Jesus Christ!